I lack faith.
And by faith, I do not mean the religions and the trust in god(s).
No, despite I'm almost atheist,
I reserve that there might be a chance that a higher power above us might exist.
In fact, I have reserved spaces in my mind for almost all situations and possibilities of the unkown that I can think of,
and I'm mentally prepared that there might be things that I didn't think of.
When I said I lack faith, I meant I lack a believe in a type of constant for the unknown future.
The type of believe that's more about the heart than the brain.
I fear to be unprepared, and to be caught surpsied.
So I mentally prepare myself to face any type of possibilities.
In this process, though I can guess the probability of what may occur,
I lack the believe that something will definitely happen.
I don't believe the sky will garanteed to always be blue.
I don't believe there will definitely be this one day, that I'll find a girl and share my life with her.
I don't believe that I will for sure perform better in the next interview when compare with my previous one.
When I look for jobs, I do not think to myself, "hey, the next one will be it, oh and it's gonna be agood one!",
because I know that the overwhelming odds this will most likely not to happen.
I can be calculative, and/or I can be intellegent, but somehow thru the process of growing up,
I've lost the believe that something good and constant will definitely happen.
With that, my mind thrived, but my heart withered.
With that, I've lost my beacon of light to show me the way,
and now I walk in the dark and not sure where I am.
And that my dear interviewer is my current weakness.
I lack faith; hence, i am missing a dream or a purpose; therefore, I do not have a goal, even the short term ones,
because I do not know which direction I'm facing right now, and where the paths may be leading me toward.
LE's i love blog event has once again started,
and I have not registered to participate.
why?
It's not that I'm lazy.
(well, in many cases that would be the sole reason,
but not this time)
It's actually because I'm running out of time in my day to day life,
and something else right now is taking a higher priority.
(yes! higher priority than LE i love blog photography event)
As such I'm unwilling to burden myself further with responsibilities.
As to what that something else is?
Well, it's a secret that will only be unraveled in the future if I had succeeded.
If I have not, then may it be sunk to the bottem of the ocean~
Lately, I'm having difficulty to sustain any reasonable amount of passion toward my work, not to mention the initial drive and motivation.
The strong dislike of my current situation is an indication that some aspect of my life must be changed.
Sadly though, despite I know what I do not like, I do not yet know what I love to perform the change.
The path ahead doesn't look too bright at the moment, for I have to sustain my current life style for another four months.
My state of mind has resulted in the feeling of being single out among people around me,
but the truth is, i think, that my mind is singling them out, not the other way around.
Maybe I secretly desire to be along despite the loneliness that i'm feeling I guess.
This is why I kept failing to be a social person.
The saddest news had occurred.
My laptop had died completely (though it is now at this moment, fixed);
hence this entry was done at the company.
I've saved it as a draft because I thought I would have more to say about this,
but apparently it is not so.
Parents are arriving tomorrow morning,
and my plan for my house's "suit up!!", like a fully blown up balloon being poked by a needle, is now nearly flying out of my grasp.
I have a bad tendency of cramming anything that i can cram.
Over the flow of time, it might have proven my ability to perform,
but it certainly did not help me build any charactor, nor demonstrate any legendary job well done.
Fortunately, I used to have a way of pushing myself for an all out bet to accomplish anything that was required before the deadline crawl quietly up my neck.
And that secret weapon is vow, or in layman's term "a promise" or in even lamer layman's term "keeping the words".
( yes, i constantly pronouce layman with lame-man for my own entertainment.
God help me that I think geek's jargons are cool.)
I believe keeping the promise make oneself the man(or woman if one's female) he is.
So, in the past, whatever needs to be completed,
I just sweared it, and hope I'm the man that I am.
(although recently I have discover by accident that "the man" is actually privately recognized as Ran now but that's another story)
Anyways, I wouldn't dare say that I had a perfect record,
but I would say in the past i pretty much get an A for my last minute all out effort.
( cacluated by 1 - the frequency of occurence of me backing out of my words in my own life under my own estimate )
Now, I'm ashame to say that to myself I'm not once the man I thought I was.
(gosh that sounds really bad eh?)
Well, at least by my estimate, I still got a pass so far.
Anyways, for all these mubling.
I just want to say:
"I hope I pass my house-cleaning 100 final tomorrow."
ps. I'm seriously being brain washed by "how I met your mother"
pss. and what's worse is I'm enjoying it~
psss. Note to self: a while ago I wanted myself to review the things I wrote as entries in the past.
不知道在想什麼,
頭腦轉阿轉的停不下來
好像把自己放入Coma兩天,
好好的放鬆
房間變得更乾淨,
思緒只是變得更加的雜亂
我不想抱怨我自己都搞不懂的東西了
沒有什麼意義
最近一混亂就跑去運動
一運動就是騎著腳踏車去QE Park 再回來
都快適應溫哥華的上下坡了
What do I want?
job? income? fun? friends?
company? girlfriend? peace of mind?
accomplishment?
我的生命現在有太多的未知數...
休息? 衝刺? 放鬆? 緊繃? 述說? 壓抑?
準備齊全? 打鐵趁熱?
hmm... coma still sounds like a pretty good idea.
sleep like hell and start anew.
"what have you been doing for the past two year?"
"was in a coma"
"oh..."
who cares anyways?
what does it matter?
somehow it just matters.
wanna get drunk
why?
i donno, just get drunk
Being more and more surprise that
I'm unable to bury my own emotion and get on with my life.
Or perhaps I've been burying too much,
and today's event simply triggers it.
Watching today's episode of House,
I realize I missed the extra one last Wednesday.
Why am I angry over such insignificant issue?
I know it's just an episode.
it's not life or death.
Little joy in life that got taken away.
Perhaps I'm mad, because I could have recognize that,
and this was within my power to grasp and not let it be taken away.
I'm angry that I can't drop something like this.
I'm angry that I'm angry.
Losing car, not able to seal a good deal;
unable to get grad tickets the day i wanted to;
unable to be puncture;
unable to focus;
being stupid and went to buy books without know the author's name;
wanting a job so badly;
yet only push myself hard enough to send out 3 resume;
actually have no idea what to do on mother's day;
Sure, a lot of these thing can be blame on my stupid luck,
but a person got to take responsibility for what happens around him, no?
In the end, i guess i'm all about ideas, no action.
When will I ever become consistent?
A person only have a limited life-time,
I'm still too slow.
果然, 今天好多了,
現在加倍的珍惜不痛的時光.
不過我也吃了六餐,
還好分量都很少.
果然要瘦還是得靠運動.
痛消失了,
心境中的波浪呢?
似乎還是有高低起伏.
有些事情在心中很掙扎, 即使掙扎一點意義都沒有.
有些恩惠謝在心, 卻不知道如何表達, 似乎一切盡在不言中.
有些距離抓不準, 心裡敬重, 卻無法抗拒的煩躁.
有些未來看不見, 不知何時會淪落何處.
有些感覺關不住, 雖然完全沒考慮過該無罪釋放, 獲假釋, 也沒想過要槍斃.
所確定的是, 回頭看,
並不後悔.
管他是哪時的尷尬, 哪天的痛, 哪月的快樂, 哪年的喜悅,
這三年的歷程之間,
那一切該發生, 不該發生, 讓人歡喜交加, 痛哭流涕, 喜上眉間,
那所有所有的決定, 造就了今日的我.
現在的我讓我有那裡不滿意並不重要,
重要的是與往日的我相比起來,
已經拉近了跟滿意的我之間的距離.
可笑的是, 隨著耐心的增長,
我直言不晦的耐心也是.
等阿等, 等阿等.
心情
積阿積, 積阿積,
直到互相纏繞,
萬事變一事,
一事又是萬事.
快23歲了,
對於自己對人事物的看法還滿能理解的,
但是直覺性的覺得自己看法有瑕疵, 甚至是錯的,
倒是很少遇到.
我很慶幸我的頭腦現在還是清楚的.
內心再怎麼混亂, 還是有理性.
由外而內的慢慢整理吧,
如果爆發開來, 就有戲看了.
(又重讀了一便, 我到底在寫什麼東東阿? 誰說我頭腦清楚的?)
最近許多事情都看的淡了,
比以前更加的不勉強自己.
(懶惰的藉口)
簡單的說, 所謂SUS Requirement 我都不太管了,
SUS 的 Office hour 也很就沒去了.
無聊看了一些人的blog之後的結論:
不知不覺中離人越來越遠了,
煩惱卻不怎麼樣的減少.
銀行沒錢,
resume 沒寫,
phoebe 的硬碟沒還,
(還了可以 gain 一百塊,
對銀行沒錢會有正面的影響.)
車子鋼板還沒修,
(修了會減三百塊,
對銀行沒錢會有極負面的影響.)
人說我聰明,
可是我對日常生活中和人與人之間的關係卻笨的要死不是嗎?
果然是"有所得, 必有所失".
為什麼會有這樣子的個性?
一遇到吵雜的人群就會不自覺的退到角落.
最初的原因是什麼? 耍自閉? 耍酷?
喜歡獨自一個人的感覺,
可是心中的某個角落總覺得有點寂寞.
在沒有人催促的情況下,
一個人墮落的生活,
應該四十歲就會陣亡了吧.
(用"陣亡"這個詞還過於好聽呢,
通常陣亡多少有在人群中死亡的含意不是嗎?)
一想到我媽四月應該會來,
背上細微的毛髮就會忍不住的發起冷顫.
愧對江東父老即是這種感覺吧.
到底在想什麼阿?
整天無所事事很自豪嗎?
並沒有阿,
為什麼還會在原地踏步呢?
知錯而不改, 且不上進即是目前的寫照吧.
這一切,自己都搞不懂,
這應該跟肚子上的肥肉於日俱增,
(好像寫錯字了)
卻不運動有異曲同工之妙.
天亮了, 去補我那剩下兩個半小時的睡眠吧.
現在是怎樣?
projects 寫不順, 也寫不完就算了.
全部在最後一個禮拜due 也算了.
還有一大堆雜七雜八的功課, quiz, 跟 presentation 都在這個裡拜我都認了.
我媽要來, 我沒時間打掃我也認了.
現在還下雪!?
我要怎麼接機??
那不成要我搭公車去接??
背著不負責任的名譽就算了,
難道現在還要背不孝?
現在冰箱空空的,
下雪, 我媽也不能去買菜,
難道要我媽跟著我吃泡麵跟過期一天的雞蛋?
然後白痴SUS,
還有一對莫名其妙的東西,
還想在這個禮拜慶祝.
Mendatory 大頭啦,
我能去就該偷笑了,
那有時間去買什麼機車小禮物.
SUS的Exec就顧著自己高興,
我禮拜四如果去,
禮拜五早上功課交的出來才有鬼.
學生會連一點flexibility都沒有,
什麼東西沒show up都是club rep 的錯.
當初sign up 只是幫 CSSS 一個忙,
每個禮拜幫他們開個會.
看到有Constitution 所寫的 duty 我也認了,
雖然sign up 前問這個position在幹麻?
那個白痴的ex-rep誤導我,
說什麼只有meeting,
只有meeting妳個圈圈叉叉烏龜雞蛋鳥兒飛拉.
那個白痴ex-rep如果再開口要我去跟SUS要錢, 我真的會想砍他.
SUS constitution 也是亂定,
好像給club錢,
club rep 就是他們的奴隸一般,
今天chirstmas party mendatory, 有再 constitution 裡面才有鬼.
有的話我也不驚訝, 愛玩玩到一定要別人陪你們玩, 機車.
白爛到機車,
真想把SUS給燒了.
每次看完書都會有一定程度的怨天尤人.
為什麼主角都到最後,
或者過程中都會有一定程度的重心.
雖然說書應該是用來激勵人們的,
可是,
為什麼都沒有那種,
三心兩意,
什麼事都ok,
如何都無所謂,
什麼都可以犧牲,
所有東西的價值都低微,
這種猶豫不決, 馬馬虎虎的主角呢?
如果有這種書,
應該也難看得要命吧.
在我發現以往所注重的東西
正在一個個的失去它們的價值的同時,
我沒有辦法不注意到那些持之以恆的人們,
沒有辦法不羨慕他麼的恆心跟毅力.
當有一天,
所有的東西都失去了價值的同時,
是否連命都可以賤賣?
還是那些不要命的恐怖組織都是這樣的?
永遠都會有新冒出來喜歡的東西吧,
所追求的確實安定而長遠的一種感覺,
或許這並不是那麼的單純.
....單純的發洩.
(我電腦上的中文閱讀速度似乎比讀書還快)
Still alive... I think.
Haven't really pay attentions to the finer things in life; thus the emptiness for the pass couple months.
now that i do, (for now, since the school just started)
I like to start keeping a journal if possible.
However, doesn't really feel like sharing that.
Finding it harder and harder to trust people,
and to tell/guess what they are thinking.
ie. being the wonderful little parasite that live within other people's mind.
Perhaps I got lazier and my instinct got crappier.
Or perhaps since i hardly give a damn about what other people do,
I hardly think people should waste their time on mine, at all.
Or it could be that i had gradually Lose trust over people,so i don't share, then lose more trust, then don't share more.
It's a wonderful vicious cycle.
At any case people can stop seeing me whining all over the place and stop worry about me rather than some bigger issues of their lives, and i guess that's less attitude from me toward anyone.
Anyways, I'll still post something here from time to time. ( likely songs i like to hear over and over again. )
Btw, phoebe, if u see this, i saw ur friend/past roommate amy earlier near DMP, and she wants to borrow my 320 textbook. Thing is I have no idea which book is that, or do I even have that. Since you know her better, please ask her the book name for my laziness. ( though i honestly don't think you would check this place through out september.... maybe not even october... Actually after this place is abandon for so long, its a miracle if anybody check before December )
看電影看到成痴,
應該被稱為影痴吧..
或許像某些人聽音樂一樣吧,
在某些心情下,
我會特別想看某種電影,
同樣的心情下,
也會有特別不想看的電影..
像老片,
是很難得才會想看的,
不過總是會有那麼一天.
(發文又變質了..你們自己小心吧,
本來要寫影評的,
下次吧~~
curtosy warning of the host)
請記得,
如果哪一天找我去看電影,
我卻拒絕了,
我那天沒那個心情的機率遠大於我不想看那部電影.
不過如果有哪一部電影,
我一生中, 都沒有那個心情去看,
搞不好就是不想看了吧..
好累.. 等會早上還要幫別人搬家,
希望我去之前會記得加油..
至於人權講座, 本來是不排斥的,
可是越來越覺得經文處好煩,
越來越有反感...
人權, 不抱括選擇的權利嗎?
叫每個社團派出5~10個人,
而且是後面加的5個還是短期支會
(short notice, i think i have chinese wrong word mistake),
會不會太過分?
讓一個社團有如此的壓力,
來聽"人權講座",
難免有點諷刺.
對不起, 陳小諾,
不是針對妳,
只是心中種有股無法撲滅的叛逆血液的存在,
而這股抗拒的心態,
只隨著思緒而高昂.
或許這是社會中不公平的代表之一吧..
又或許我的思考太理想化了..
說真的, 去聽聽, 忍一下,
也不是什麼大不了的事情.
如果明天般完家,
而且精神夠好到不會睡著,
那我應該還是得去吧?
從以前,
討厭自己,
討厭別人,
討厭政府,
討厭一堆東西,
卻不知道自己到底愛什麼..
之前的許多迷惘, 文章都跟著個有關.
靜下心來時, 想不通.
情緒激昂時, 想不通.
在船上吹了一個小時的思考, 還是想不通.
一天到晚, 有空的時候就搞自閉來想,
還是想不通.
或許這從小就有的迷惘,
在那段感情之後,
被擴大了吧.
那失去的意義..
說真的,
從以前以來,
就覺得,
我不愛這個世界,
我不愛人類,
我不愛那些有生命的東西,
我也不愛那些沒有生命的東西.
唯一想做過的大事,
就是做個超級炸彈把地球給炸了,
一切歸無.
很莫名其妙吧,
一個很爛的夢想.
很多事情的處理方式, 態度,
不過是從下印在腦海裡的道德觀, 價值觀,
對那些事情所做出來的直接反應罷了.
我自己想不想, 愛不愛, 根本毫無關係.
舉例來說好了,
對女性的禮儀:
做不做, 事實上沒多大的差別.
只是被灌輸過的直覺告訴我,
這樣才是對的, 就做了.
像什麼, 態度不應該傲慢阿,
對人應該要忠誠阿.
對小動物要有愛心阿.
都是被灌輸的吧..
父母, 兄弟姊妹, 週遭朋友, 社會.
當大家都跟你說: "這樣才是正確的價值觀"
似乎也沒什麼好反對的.
人類自豪在自我的文明,
有自制力, 懂的尊重別人.
不會像動物般的殘暴, 只追隨野性的直覺.
真的是這樣嗎?
還是這也是被灌輸的"觀念"?
事實上, 大家都被洗過腦的吧..
只是, 好聽一點被稱做教育.
被我媽罵(也不算罵, 應該稱為直言告知): "你很不負責任".
這句話, 足以讓我想了一個禮拜, 而且還會繼續想下去.
這跟我high school 的時候, 我爸那句"做人不要太冷漠" 有的比,
如果沒有馬上勝出的話.
這就好像, 21年來都白活了一樣.
一句話, 足以代表了我爸媽對我面對這世界的信任有多少.
不被相信的感覺.. 真是..."有趣" ...阿...
......................................
仔細想想.. 也對,
不負責任的最佳代表, 不就是沒做到該做的事?
沒做到, 只有三種可能
1. 明知道該做卻不去做--另一種說法, "拖", "放棄".
2. 明知道要做卻忘記去做.
3. 有別的更重要的事而沒做.
1 跟 2 常在我身上發生吧?
...就先到此為止吧, 多說無益.
覺得我很恐怖的人就離我遠一點吧.
或許會有人把這些東西全怪罪在"因為我迷失了",
那也是一種可能性.
我承認我迷失有很大的關係,
不過我不覺得那是全部.
我也不知道該怎麼解釋.
如果妳/你猜得到我到底在想什麼,
恭喜妳/你, 妳/你比我更了解我,
如果真是如此的話,
請告訴我, 我要的是什麼?
我所尋找的, 又在哪裡?
積壓的情緒..
有種不知道為了什麼想哭的感覺..
這種情況下,
又有想把地球炸了的想法了..
(我似乎有著脆弱的情緒波動,
真不像個頂天立地一把扛的男子漢阿..
不過這種stereotype(s)也是灌輸的吧...)
太累了,
去睡吧..
希望明天能夠很清醒..
大部分的人都不喜歡抱怨者吧..
我知道我很討厭那些人..
整天只會自唉自怨,
沒半點骨氣..
不是我有雙重人格, 就是我很討厭我自己吧.
有個單純的願望, 不過還是不說出來的好.
結局應該是悲慘的吧..
看不懂的超過6成...
接下來呢?
光學真是太變態了..
應該說我太小看它了吧..
24 小時就想把整個學期的東西全部學起來..
光是lecture hours 就超過了..
好討厭阿...
我是個喜歡逃避躲不掉的責任的白痴~~
it's freaking cold.
i wish i the continuous erge of eating food will be easier to resist.
stupid coldness.
today has so far... been a completely unproductive day..
other than i put out the trash, which took.. less than 3 min
why can't it be warmer?
where's my light?
where's my fire?
what i seek, can't be found.
what i found, is almost of no interst to me.
lately found out a new game, "Star Ocean: Till the end of time",
overall think this is extremely well made,
except when comparing to final fantasy x or x-2,
the charactor isn't as realistic.
however, those charactors are draw intentionally unrealistic anyways.
the game itself is a very intersting sci-fi story,
it even has a freaking dictionary within itself about every single terms it used,
"talking about geekiness".
i wonder if i will be able to keep this week's schedule up..
it would seem hard at this point.
好久沒有跟我媽講這麼久的電話了,
雖然我的"久"或許只是十幾分鐘.
通話過後的結論是,
無論我想的如何仔細, 清晰,
沒有社會經驗的這個事實還依然是個盲點.
應該是潛意識的害怕吧,
為失敗, 與挫折找藉口,
讓"延畢"這個主意一直在我腦海中打轉.
甚至為它找到了Justification.
到現在, 才真正的認為自己還是個小孩子,
不夠成熟.
以往, 我爸在解釋任何事物給我聽的時候,
我從來都不會認為自己比起一般人知識, 常識, 理解還不夠,
而是直覺性的認為因為我爸看了太多的書,
他懂得本來就比一般人多.
我一向都知道我媽的辦事能力很強,
值得學習,
卻往往忽略了她對事物的看法,
因為我覺得她, 比起我爸, 太主觀了.
過度的主觀會讓人的知性與邏輯被擋住.
或許, 這種忽略將會是我急需彌補的錯誤,
因為, 這世界上, 也有眾多如此主觀的人,
這些堅信自己立場的人們的觀點,
也將會被需要了解.
我居然只因為,
這些觀點不合邏輯, 就拋棄了他們.
我需要變得更堅強, 更成熟, 更有韌性.
我不會放棄"延畢"的主意,
因為, 它是我的後備計畫.
但是,現在我該做的事情,
我應該要加倍努力,
那屬於我的責任,
即使這種想法將給我莫大的壓力.
那是一種以前常常使用的方式...
那是一種以視而不見來不讓自己憂傷...
那是一種以自己尖銳的言語來讓自己的頭腦快速的思考,
才不會想起記憶中的往事, 才能成功的將回憶埋起.
對於那些,
被我尖銳的言語及動作所刺傷的人們,
只能以一句抱歉回應,
並且渴望會被原諒.
每每停下來,
仔細想想都會覺得心裡很空虛,
寂寞往往都是從吵雜的人群中就開始,
然後漸漸的在回家,
自己一個人坐在電腦前達到高峰.
在受不了的情況下,
趕快去睡覺,
以求解脫.
在無所謂之後的衝刺,
衝刺之後的休息.
回頭看,
常常會覺得自己之前有多麼的盲目,
一點智慧都沒有.
是不是我與人之間的交集,
永遠都只能到達如此,
然後就被我自己所破壞掉?
或許人與人之間,
是注定要分離的.