is there really such thing?
aren't every decision we make, every action we take subject to change?
everything we do has a number of 'if' prior to it.
note that even when the if statement no longer stands,
people still have a choice to continue to perform their action.
I'll be here, with or without the if.
生日加上惰性又多拖了一個禮拜
很明顯的, 我什麼事情應該都不記得.
1. 我生日, 大家在我家BBQ+為我慶祝
一個簡單的BBQ也可以搞出個海鮮事件,
我也真是服了,
還得記得找shannie給她錢
2. 最近頗討厭打句號
中文的時候打英文的句號真的頗丑
不過有時候還是會因為打字的習慣而打.
3. 思考自我頻率大為上升,
想做什麼, 該做什麼,
想變什麼? 多久以後該做什麼?
4. House 跟 American top model都結束了,
電視應該會少看吧? 剩下apprantice
5. 在enol家一個晚上看了一整部日劇: "龍櫻"
敘述著一個律師, 為了拯救一個笨蛋學校,
設立了東大升學班來教導學生如何學習.
很讓人有所感的話:
"這個社會有一定的規則,
這些規則並不難,
只是聰明的人故意把他們搞得莫名其妙來占笨蛋們的便宜.
不想再繼續被占便宜的話,
就得努力, 衝上去, 改變規則."
6. 變態式的運動方式,
一個月中所做的運動比其餘一年下來所加起來的都還要多許多.
精神好到失眠@@
7. resume goal 完全 fail, 目前進度: "5"
理由: 對未來有著重大的疑惑.
8. 開始感受到IT Bloganize的壓力.
9. 母親節的結果, 不算好, 但也不壞
10. 因為害怕失去而過度投入於LE
11. 朋友一個個的離開溫哥華的現象, 百般不捨.
12. 還是沒找到目標
13. despie much better now, still have serious urge to play video game,
but feel that it's such a waste of time.
ps. 是不是打中文反而比較快呢?
/*------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TODO:
- go to graduation
- send out many many resume, at least win the competition
- Research more about company and job positions
- Sleep earlier? <-- i have serious sleeping disorder now
- Make up a plan for my life of what age i should have how much saving <-- still thinking
- needs to slim down and gain much more 體力 <--- working on it
- check into BCIT's program about getting certificates <-- right.. my hands are still kinda full
- help LE IT with Bloganize and database problems
- learn flash
- learn photoshop
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
May 21st, 我生命中充滿著欺騙與謊言的日子.
我家不慶祝小孩子們的生日是很神奇的事情嗎?
我阿, 事實上是拿驚喜沒辦法的.
並非討厭它, 而是拿它沒輒.
我成長的過程中,
生日不過是個平凡的日子,
老娘沒心血來潮抓去打屁股就該偷笑了.
(我是從來沒被打過拉)
生日的那天, 即是媽媽疼痛紀念日,
還敢不知好歹的去吵著要慶祝?
剛出生的時候, 爸媽比較珍惜, 寶貝吧,
生日總是有甜的吃
求學的時候, 生日不過是平凡的一個讀書天罷了
開始使用電腦以後, 生日是充滿詛咒的一天.
連續三年, 每到我生日電腦不是中毒就是當機,
我的生日都花在電腦從灌的血, 汗, 與淚水的交加之中.
高中的最後一年,
熟識的朋友總算不好意思的送了一小包巧克力意思意思.
第一次體會到生日收禮物的意義.
進入LE之後, 第一年, 被遺忘了,
反正我習慣不慶祝, 只要生日那天電腦不當機,
我便笑容滿面.
第二年, 被騙慘了,
雖然有生之年第一次大肆慶祝,
被欺騙的教訓銘記在心.
第三年, 低調的小團體溫馨的過了.
第四年, 在BBQ與party之間吵吵鬧鬧的度過.
二十三年來的生日, 我領悟了一件事情,
所謂的生日, 就是一個人在一年之中IQ 降到最低的時候,
即使不是笨蛋也得裝.
即使你今天走入了別人正在幫你偷偷的寫卡片,
也得裝的自己眼睛有極度的重度近視,
一付完全沒事似的走開.
今天如果大家決定在一大早就幫你度過慶祝,
那你有福了, 白痴只要裝半天.
如果今天是半夜的前一刻才慶祝的話,
不好意思, 今天你全部的朋友都不會理你,
因為他們正私下討論著要如何騙你整你.
不但要被冷淡, 還要裝白痴,
而且還要高高興興的被騙,
這便是生日的真諦.
所以要在這跟大家高高興興的說,
謝謝你們花這麼多的心思來騙我 =)
我是心肝情願被騙的,
因為我理解生日的真諦,
也理解你們的用心 : )
ps. 今年生日電腦又沒當機了~~ hurray~
平時不亂P2P, 生日不當機~~
面對已知的恐懼,
克服了以後有一種快感嗎?
逃避又是另一種快感
兩年前, 我曾經在半夜兩點的時候,
在我家附近的學校亂走
昨天, 做了類似的事情
面對著深夜月光及路燈下那樹枝的陰影,
那與被照亮的巷子成明顯的對比
科學常識讓我知道,
我之所以看不到那一片黑裡面的細節,
是由於我的瞳孔以適應路燈的光線的亮度
看不到的細節總是讓人畏懼,
那有可能潛伏於黑暗中的未知
有了多年偷雞摸狗的經驗,
早已不怕黑
反而在當自己溶入黑暗中的時候,
因為不會輕易的落入別人的視線,
有著說不出來的輕鬆與自在
那一排立於操場旁的大樹在夜裡顯得特別的詭異
面對著它們,
我坐於瞭望台的陰影中,
整理著自己的思緒
那一剎那,
清涼的夏夜微風似乎在吹動樹梢的同時,
也吹開了腦海裡那些混亂的結
那一刻,
世界上只有我, 那片草地, 和那一排樹
我知道, 外界的舒適,
只會讓我誤以為所有的問題已解開
一覺過後, 所有的理智, 問題, 煩惱還是會回來
遺留下的, 只有那淡淡有如避風港般的記憶
我那時在想什麼, 煩惱什麼並不重要,
重要的是,
there was a moment, my thought and my heart were larger than it all
How do you go about finding jobs with low self-esteem?
"Hi, umm.. My name is Mark,
it means warlike, but i'm really not like that..
but, it's not like i'll stand up for peace either, aiy~"
"this interview is totally unexpected for me,
i can't beleive anyone will actually even bother to give anything about my resume, not to mention my cover letter
"i can't really say i'm good at anything,
except that i'm not entirely a bad person,
i don't talk a whole lot to strangers,
i tend to live in my own corner,
i simply doze off when i'm bored
"accomplishments? well, i graduated...
ummm.. i did quite a few group projects..
...umm... i draw a little,
but haven't done that a for a long time,
so don't have anything to show you...
umm..
"no, i didn't get any scholarship
"no, i my gpa isn't above 3.0
"which field am i interested in?
well.. let's see,
i don't like networks,
i don't like AIs,
i don't like O/S,
i don't like computer graphis,
i don't really like coding all that much either
so.. that'll leave me with ~...
"weakness?
I sorta push myself to socialize with people,
but not that great...
I not that good of a coder... in terms of debugging speed..
I procrastinate,
i work quite badly alone,
I'm really not that self-motivated
I'm sorta emotional....
"strength?
well... I'm honest!?"
What's the point of this post??
i donno, i'm just simulating what it'll be like
if i only speak of whatever bad thing i can think of about myself..
i'll get a job if i do the opposite??
天曉得
but i know that i'm not 100% confident now..
still have doubts.
媽坐上她友人的車去機場的前10分鐘,
我被我房間裡的一隻蜜蜂吵醒
花了5分鐘,
把蜜蜂抓到罐子裡,
剛抓到的時候因為氣它吵,
忍不住的像製作泡沫紅茶似的搖了它一下
剛睡醒的恨意,
那時下了決定,
要關到它死為止
仔細想想, 我是否對昆蟲有種族歧視?
以前的那隻蛾花了10分鐘才抓到,
關一個晚上就放生了
著蜜蜂只因為它比較可能傷害我就非得殺了它不可?
是不是今天一隻羚羊撞到我, 說聲對不起就可以了,
而一隻獅子撞到我, 只因為我直覺的想它會攻擊我就可以把它殺了?
就算羚羊的角比獅子的頭危險上百倍?
那那些上百隻連猶豫的機會都沒有就被我殺了的蜘蛛呢?
不是常說, "生命的價值不是由它的大小與美醜來判斷的"嗎?
因為如此, 吃素與吃葷對我來說是一樣的,
只因為花草樹木不會哀嚎,
不代表它們的生命較於廉價
那為何我看到蜘蛛直接的判斷就是殺?
只因為它的生活圈與我的重疊了?
或許吧
我想最後我還是會放它生吧,
雖然如果它找不到它的窩,
可能還是非死不可
畢竟生命的最後擁有了自由
媽的班機飛走了,
我也自由了
在祈禱她的班機不會遇到颱風的同時,
我不知道我下一步該往哪裡走
事實上, 我知道我該往哪個方向前進,
只是不確定我想不想而已
不知道在想什麼,
頭腦轉阿轉的停不下來
好像把自己放入Coma兩天,
好好的放鬆
房間變得更乾淨,
思緒只是變得更加的雜亂
我不想抱怨我自己都搞不懂的東西了
沒有什麼意義
最近一混亂就跑去運動
一運動就是騎著腳踏車去QE Park 再回來
都快適應溫哥華的上下坡了
What do I want?
job? income? fun? friends?
company? girlfriend? peace of mind?
accomplishment?
我的生命現在有太多的未知數...
休息? 衝刺? 放鬆? 緊繃? 述說? 壓抑?
準備齊全? 打鐵趁熱?
hmm... coma still sounds like a pretty good idea.
sleep like hell and start anew.
"what have you been doing for the past two year?"
"was in a coma"
"oh..."
who cares anyways?
what does it matter?
somehow it just matters.
wanna get drunk
why?
i donno, just get drunk
整理相片也好不到哪裡去
一切都從整理書桌開始
...
..
.
改不掉的壞習慣, 我又說謊了
從頭來:
一切都從整理CD開始~
把所有的音樂CD找出來, 並且將他們歸位.
聽起來頗為簡單, 因為我自己買的CD並不多.
結果~~~
自從我哥跟我姊回流了以後,
他們的CD便成了我的CD存庫二.
很不幸的存庫一跟二還汽車存庫全部混在一起.
所以, CD 數量 x 2.5 倍.
CD 整理的困難度和數量成倍比.
簡單的說, 我整理了2~3個小時 - -"
CD 整理完後, 音樂的選取就方便多了,
有音樂便有幹勁~ NEXT~~
! 書桌~~ (please use the south african pronouciation)
桌面積滿了... 東西..
拼了命的把書桌上的東西從左往又移動,
廢物便"Shift + Del" 省過了資源回收桶 (垃圾桶)
廢紙便直接往回收桶丟,
空出來的桌面便用抹布擦一下.
書桌那麼小, 理所當然的很快.
直到...
就是那疊相片~~
開始整理之後, 想說乾脆全部一起整理,
把所有房間裡的相片找出來並整理到一般.
想到所有今日整理動作之源頭的原因,
一大半當然是因為今天是母親節,
不過大部分的原因卻是如果我父母想賣房子,
要趕緊整理出一些東西讓我媽帶回去.
如此的話, 乾脆整間房子的照片都整理好了,
這樣我媽才能把多的照片帶回去.
....
...
...
..
.
........ 好累的決定@@
不過經過今晚的精華整理,
我(plus家人)的照片現在很集中的在一本相簿裡.
歡迎各位來我家的時候借閱 =)
(找不到在某些地方的照片頗為奇怪,
可能被我哥帶回台灣了)
可惜在LE的照片絕大部分都是digital files,
沒有什麼hard copies.
ps. i thought i'm trying to reduce entry....
well at least it's not one entry every day now.
pps.房間地上還是一團亂.
最近太常寫entries,
嚴重影響到我該做的正事.
我需要降低我個更新速度~~
This post will be a reiminder to myself.
Being more and more surprise that
I'm unable to bury my own emotion and get on with my life.
Or perhaps I've been burying too much,
and today's event simply triggers it.
Watching today's episode of House,
I realize I missed the extra one last Wednesday.
Why am I angry over such insignificant issue?
I know it's just an episode.
it's not life or death.
Little joy in life that got taken away.
Perhaps I'm mad, because I could have recognize that,
and this was within my power to grasp and not let it be taken away.
I'm angry that I can't drop something like this.
I'm angry that I'm angry.
Losing car, not able to seal a good deal;
unable to get grad tickets the day i wanted to;
unable to be puncture;
unable to focus;
being stupid and went to buy books without know the author's name;
wanting a job so badly;
yet only push myself hard enough to send out 3 resume;
actually have no idea what to do on mother's day;
Sure, a lot of these thing can be blame on my stupid luck,
but a person got to take responsibility for what happens around him, no?
In the end, i guess i'm all about ideas, no action.
When will I ever become consistent?
A person only have a limited life-time,
I'm still too slow.
路過 xagna of anvi (jerry lai).
終於領悟到別人給他 "he's very talented" 評語的真義.
不自主的回想暫當poan助理的過程.
這些作品, 每次看都有不同的理解, 不同的領悟.
These are the result of true passion, true dedication.
Some people dedicate their passion to one thing,
some people are capable of many.
me!? nothing.
看到別人跳ball-room覺得很有趣,
看到別人照相也覺得有趣,
聽音樂是, 也覺得如果會種樂器應該滿有趣的.
寫作, 美術...etc.
對著這一切都有想學習的念頭,
雖然想法常常一閃即逝,
它們還是或多或少的遺留了一些味道.
過去的我,
放棄了學到一半的美術,
完全的放棄音樂,
為了專心於學業,
所有覺得成功率低的旁門,
興趣都放棄了.
甚至自認語言能力不好,
也不太花心思在上面.
現在的我,
被LE的影響,
過去絕大部分的旁門現在都有興趣.
但是, 東學一點, 西沾一下.
沒多久都忘記了.
大學都畢業了,
對於沒有擅長於任何一種表達形式的創作有點感慨.
或許因為我貪得無饜所有東西都想懂.
學這一切, 當然永遠不嫌晚.
但是該從哪方面開始呢?
LE 打開了我前面的那扇門, 卻也讓我看到了那無止境的深.
每一樣都學一點似乎也可以, 畢竟我所著重的是那經歷.
Can't wait to exprience all these,
but now i'm confined with job finding, the finance.
These all being said,
I understand my knowledge are limited over these,
but what exactly IS my strength?
我擅長什麼呢?
找工作當然可以隨便唬,
但是真正的我到底擅長什麼?
What can i do to inspire the people around me?
rather than just being the one who's inspired.
searching...
...
...
...
"Alt + F4"
"IE explorer has exprienced unexepcted problem,
would you like to inform Microsoft with a debugging report!?
| Report Back | Don't Report | "
I guess this is now a bi-weekly thingy.
My memory sucks, to be honest
(best excuse that i'm not into medical now),
I don't remember anything other than the high light.
1. obviously, there was the clubbing.
The place was the best i ever seen.
( despite i can't stand the overly loud music over a long period,
i been to many clubbing events )
Ginger62 i beleive. Unbeleivablely great.
Before that, was at metrotown shopping with small portion of clubbing people.
Before that, was watching ice-age 2: the melt-down with shopping people.
Before that, was having lunch with small portion of the movie people
Before that, was at Church with lunch people.
CHURCH!? see point 2
2. I been "tagging" to church lately.
I didn't speak much of the experience,
since i was afraid i might offend other people about their religion.
But there are always some sort of confusion and struggle and questions built up in my mind,
during and right after the whole experience.
I mean no offence but rather just in a more curious mind state.
(This by itself probably could fill a post, but anyways)
To sort these stuff out easily, i'll give what i originally beleive,
and what i get from christians, then talk about my confusion.
what i originally beleive in, and still sorta believe in.
1. Being(s), one or many, larger than us may exist. For convinient reason, let's sum it up even if it's multiple, and refer it as "The One"
2. The One can be good or evil, or neither, or both.
3. The One may created human, or the one may created beginning of life only.
Human may simplely be a fortunate( or unfortunate) accident for later case.
4. In either case of point 3, The One may or may not interfere with us.
Hence, prayer may or may not be heard.
Due to my lack of imagination of communicaiton method through telepathy,
and my beleive in everything are naturally lazy of changing.
(netwon's law, things that move stay moving, things that stay still, stay still)
I'm more leaning toward The One doesn't really care about his/her puny creation.
He/She just take a look at what's going on just for the fun of it.
Afterall, if this world is gone,
He/She can create a new one if He/She feels like it.
Based on point 3, relative to us, The One is define by us to be "all mighty".
5. Regarding to afterlife, I'm more lean toward nothing exist afterward,
but not denying the fact that spirit and soul MAY exist.
My own beleive has lots of may,
since i can't prove nor disprove any of the thing i said.
The core of my beleive is: "there's a chance that such and such"
as it is easly seen,
my beleive basically accept the fact that every religions could very well be true,
despite my stand is biased and lean toward some point,
but i never really reject the fact of the other possibility.
Another thing I must mention before stating what i get so far about christian is,
I don't trust regilgion "organization" in general.
I beleive there are bigger chance of corruption than purity,
which i held the same beleive in government and many form of charity.
(most likely due to the influence of media and the value that i was taught)
So no matter what Christian beleif is, my original belief can't be in conflict with it.
At most it will only be in conflict with the "church itself".
The sum up of the Christian i get so far:
1. A one true God exist, who made human.
2. God create Jesus afterward, to spread words in his name.
3. Satan is opposite of God
(personal understanding is Satan is Lucifier, who is a fallen angel).
Satan use manipulative ways to temp human into bad deed,
while God try to save human by spreading words and ask people to do good deed.
Havean and Hell are consequence of a person's good or bad.
4. Human are born with corrupted mind; thus, they need to be "saved" by faith in God.
Therefore, christian are constantly being heard as "seeking salvation".
5. Jesus died for all human's sin, but was resurrected.
6. Jesus' followers wrote descriptions of what did Jesus do,
and what happen after Jesus died.
Those thing are organized together into the bible.
7. Through faith, christianality ask people to look for positive during suffering.
(a larger plan plotted by God)
and ask people to do their work to their best degree and serve the society.
( since good performance = people asking why = spreading words of christianality)
8. People who known what christian is, but decide not to believe in it.
Christians recognized them as people who would go to hell.
9. As for people who don't know what christian is their whole life.
Some people argue people who don't know are innocent.
Some people think they go to hell anyways!? (not sure)
10. Somehow, spreading the word of christian is very important in the religion,
almost as if spreading the word will increase the chance of slavation.
however, i do understand, if people experience true joy from it, they would like to share it. But probably go as far as friends, not to strangers.
Now, the confusion part:
There can be lots of questions challenging christian beleif's facts, such as.
Why is Jesus born so late, after thousands of years of people's history?
However, these doesn't worry me.
Chistian last so long, there must have been countless challenge like this,
thus, there must be answers for these, just those may or may not meet my understanding.
as i probably mention before in another entry,
i believe that the power of "faith" increase a person's life style, capability...etc.
many many good ways, and some religions more so in some way than the other.
however, people who is deep in faith may be blinded with religion organization.
people just need to watch out about that on their own, or that's just a simple trade off.
I seek the peace of mind; thus, i'm willing to beleive in a religion.
However, i hardly think that's a good enough reason to do this,
but i can't think of any other reason for myself,
let's just assume it's a good reason,
and since in christian God is described to be kind,
he probably wouldn't mind the initial reason i beleive this in.
So here comes the "3nd to big" big concern:
Christian (and probably lots of other religion) is heavily based on what people said in the past.
Here, it's heavily by jesus and his followers,
and the predictions recorded before jesus is borned.
I lack in faith of believe in what might been just people's opinion.
If one day, somebody proof jesus lied,
(though i really really doubt this will happen, chances are slim to none)
my faith crashes.
since chances are slim to none,
I can take the risk and "choose" to believe in this,
then if the faith crash, at least it's my own choice.
Just like when you choose to be with someone,
and someone leaves you afterward, too bad, suck it up.
Anyways, "2nd to big" big problem
I have trouble beleiving God actually listen to us,
due to my original bias.
Why listen to insignificant things?
unless we are the toy between God and Satan?
Big problem
What's with the repeating push to ask people to spread the word?
i find the logical reason i come up with
(spread the word = improve chance of salvation) shallow and pointless,
since i don't beleive people are bad from birth,
but rather the score start from zero, not negative one million.
The thing about spreading,
higher work ethic and people ask you why and how,
ok that make sense.
You believe the well being and the inner peace it brings deep enough that youself want to share,
fair enough to friends,
weird thing to do to strangers.
what's up with making people believe they should spread the word to a degree
that they go around the world trying to convey people who speak in totally different language,
and got those deep believe people killed in mis-understanding?
I can't really see the point if "life" is not treat as a "precious" thing in a religion.
Why justify it with God speak to them
( i hardly believe God listen already, no to mention speak),
and God planned them to die like this in order to spread the word?
This to me is more of a mistake that's made by people who organize this for those people.
People make mistakes, mistake get people killed.
Just because those people are killed while they doing something religious,
doesn't justify their death with God.
I honestly don't see the difference of those people's death compare to
a poor programer who wrote a lousy program and crash an airplane and got people killed.
God planned to let the plane crashed and people died?
Don't really think God has anything to do with these death.
Of course, this whole incident might be a simple accident,
and the justification may just be a single person's opinion.
and it might not have anything to do with true christian believe.
But the thing is pushing people to believe is a christian believe, right?
and i don't see any justification behind that.
Based on this aspect on it's own,
it also created missionaries that tried to force the religion on you cauz they think that's the way to go,
so much blood flow, war, are caused through this.
(not just christian, but all religion that force people to believe)
The only logical reason i can think of for this to be justified is that more people = more revenue/support for the church.
Despite the church may be completely clean,
and all revenue are used to aid the poor, the sick, the elder, the homeless and made us a better society,
an organization that seek rapid income and support,
i see it more as trying to gain monopoly has hard as they can,
instead of waiting for people's free-will.
As far as i think,
an organization that has huge desire to change a large number people's thinking can almost be called brainwash,
and this is dangerous and make people into easily manipulated beings.
I mean no offence to people who are christian.
But basically i'm stuck at this position that i disagree with one aspect, while agree with another. (typical)
And I probably will continue to be stuck for a long time,
unless i find out later that i'm currently mis-understanding things.
Then again, I guess i could always just live with what i agree, and ignore whatever i disagree.
Just that it would be nice if i agree to the whole thing.
3. House had the most inviting episode this week, a patient actually died!
Not saying Dr. H doesn't have dead patients before,
but just not on any of the episode that i know of.
The show, House, shows may ethical problems that can exist among people,
and a couple of them probably only exist within medical field.
The show doesn't always propose a solution,
but these problems are nice to think about.
4. I'm sad to said i've only sent out 3 resume + cover letter.
( one of them is monster, which made my resume searchable by others)
Next week's goal is 28 or at least till all those company in my research directory are sent.
5. I'm spent too long typing christian point, now i'm dead tired.
6. I have overwhelm myself with sports for the past week.
I feel good I'm doing something healthy,
so combining with LE issues,
it's kinda a good excuse for the delay of resume sending?
despite lots of people would disagree@@,
事情都發生了, 自我安慰一下也好
7. Took a long time organizing IT issue and turn over, and helping out.
Probably the first time to show true devotion after i first took the IT director job and set up the system.
Guess I like set up more than maintain, auto-maintain truly is the key to IT success.
I feel sad over the fact that due to the fact that I was in emotional struggle,
that I couldn't show this type of devotion and passion over the year that I'm truly the IT director.
Up till this moment, i still don't understand why though.
Is it the conflicting atmosphere that was created over the year that killed my passion last year?
Or is it the fact that I peform better when I'm not under the title and inheriting the responsibility?
Or could it be there were lots of slackers back during the year as well?
(despite i'm probably the biggest slacker of them all,
might as well say i started it,
maybe i'm taking too much credit@@)
Or could it be reasons i don't even want to write here?
Or could it be all of these?
but I now know for whatever reason it is,
my passion toward LE did not truely died,
maybe my realization is too late,
but i'm glad i realize this before i detached myself from it.
仔細回憶 what LE and I been through, 很感動~
a little worry though, like someone who once said:
there's a 代溝 between generation here.
the level of respect is decreasing.
This year, couple people who show respect around realize this,
so the problem is gonna be dealt with and should be ok.
Just wish every year people will realize this,
else, LE will split internally, no matter how big the common goal is.
and LE will die.
(Funny thing, i told winnie have faith in her, which i do.
but why don't i have faith in who she would choose as her successor?)
8. I have become soft,
or rather I have been showing quite a lot of my soft side lately.
My old self-restriction rules doesn't apply as much now.
things like: " don't worry about things that you cannot control"
if i follow this, i won't be worry about LE's coming future.
I'm becoming more human? more common?
is that good or bad?
I don't want to be come a whining little b*tch.
Why am i caring what other people think? @@
God, i'm more human now..
good thing i still have little mercy over things that are "dead-deal".
9.icbc thing came to an end, check is received.
i still have no car, that's bad.
my mom decide to tortureme over it, that's bad.
I have friend like pheobe giving me rides, that's good.
but i'm getting shy on asking for rides, that's bad.
A weird delimma occur cauz don't wanna trouble her even more when she's already on really busy schedule,
but really happy to hang with her and people while taking her ride.
Guess I'm a real sucker at seeing if people are doing things willingly or not.
10. feeling really really bad over up-coming mother's day.
I'm screwed completely.
I find argument on bothside that i just can't win.
against:
- we don't celebrate birthdays, holidays, you name it. Despite my bro and sister do weird stuff for these days from time to time.
- I have no income, why spend parent's money to buy stuff for parent's that might be useless to them? (self-made card, however, is easy for me)
- I'm lazy to a fact that I don't think I wanna do anything
- I'm forgetful anyways, but since i'm worrying right now, I can't seem to forget.
- It's gonna be awkward!!! I suck at showing affection. 太熟了反而不好意思.
- unacheivable lame excuse: Instead of being nice to my mom on this day, shouldn't I be nice to her all the time?
- I don't really want to admit my mom is old that she need my caring.
- I probably would forget father's day, which is unfair to my dad.
- I can't really stand her criticising me or if she's disappointed by whatever i do.
go for it:
- Peer pressure. Go ask whoever, everyone is doing something nice.
- Sibling pressure. Despite I don't expect them to do anything weird this year, you never know.
- Previous Practical Gift Appriciation. Couple years ago us, the children (or just my sister, don't remember), gave my mom a small card holder wallet. She still use it now.
- She's actually staying over mother's day, why she's not staying for my graduation? God knows why, but maybe not to make me feel awkward?
(Unlike my bro's, my friends hardly know my parents)
- I logic mind says i should (convinced by peer pressure). She's my "Mother"!! God damn it, how much more does it take?
- Gonna have to eat dinner anyways, might as well.
- Something better than nothing.
- Shows appriciation.
I'm lost ...
/*------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TODO:
- pick up graduation tickets next week
- pick up canadian passport on 15th
- send out 35 resume by 15th <-- used to be 100 by 10th
- Research more about company and job positions
- Sleep earlier? <-- i have sleeping disorder for 2 days now
- Make up a plan for my life of what age i should have how much saving.
- need to retrain my arms and legs, losing their power. <-- workig on it
- needs to slim down and gain more 體力 <--- working on it
- check into BCIT's program about getting certificates <-- right.. my hands are still kinda full
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
只要我不說,
我媽從不過問我的朋友叫什麼名字,
也不問我們出去的時候做了什麼.
只要我不說,
我朋友從不過問我小時後哪裡受了什麼傷,
也不會問我受傷的時候在幹麻.
如果一個人的過去定義了他,
那只要我不說,
著世界上永遠只有我一個人知道我是誰.
所以, 一旦記憶被磨滅了,
人就不存在了,
除非, 之前對別人說了所有的種種,
做了備份.
寫著種八杆子打不著的邏輯文章,
表示我真的太無聊了.
去打球吧.
果然, 今天好多了,
現在加倍的珍惜不痛的時光.
不過我也吃了六餐,
還好分量都很少.
果然要瘦還是得靠運動.
痛消失了,
心境中的波浪呢?
似乎還是有高低起伏.
有些事情在心中很掙扎, 即使掙扎一點意義都沒有.
有些恩惠謝在心, 卻不知道如何表達, 似乎一切盡在不言中.
有些距離抓不準, 心裡敬重, 卻無法抗拒的煩躁.
有些未來看不見, 不知何時會淪落何處.
有些感覺關不住, 雖然完全沒考慮過該無罪釋放, 獲假釋, 也沒想過要槍斃.
所確定的是, 回頭看,
並不後悔.
管他是哪時的尷尬, 哪天的痛, 哪月的快樂, 哪年的喜悅,
這三年的歷程之間,
那一切該發生, 不該發生, 讓人歡喜交加, 痛哭流涕, 喜上眉間,
那所有所有的決定, 造就了今日的我.
現在的我讓我有那裡不滿意並不重要,
重要的是與往日的我相比起來,
已經拉近了跟滿意的我之間的距離.
可笑的是, 隨著耐心的增長,
我直言不晦的耐心也是.
等阿等, 等阿等.
心情
積阿積, 積阿積,
直到互相纏繞,
萬事變一事,
一事又是萬事.
快23歲了,
對於自己對人事物的看法還滿能理解的,
但是直覺性的覺得自己看法有瑕疵, 甚至是錯的,
倒是很少遇到.
我很慶幸我的頭腦現在還是清楚的.
內心再怎麼混亂, 還是有理性.
由外而內的慢慢整理吧,
如果爆發開來, 就有戲看了.
(又重讀了一便, 我到底在寫什麼東東阿? 誰說我頭腦清楚的?)
最近胃痛很平凡呢.
真是莫名其妙,
我壓力又沒有增加,
至少我沒有感覺到什麼壓力阿.
很多該做的事都做了阿,
fax information 給 ICBC, 申請護照, 卸掉社團職務,
難道我潛意識的找工作壓力終於在四月底爆發了??
我resume, cover letter 都寫完了阿,
莫名其妙, 莫名其妙, 搞不懂阿.
昨天跳舞,
久沒運動,
扭腰過度,
痛就算了,
姑且算是我之前懶惰的報應.
今天是怎樣??
被雷劈?
招天遣.
看個 apprantice, 吃 5 個蒟蒻加兩片仙貝都可以痛 !@?
原本打算去跑步, 看來今天的運動又毀了.
我真的不懂阿@@
現在想得到的理由只有
為了想減肥,
刻意把食量調小為 1/2 ~2/3.
ok.. let's review,
reason that stomache acide will increase includes
1. prolong empty stomache
2. too much food in stomache at once
3. caffine
4. too much stress
5. overly nervous
上次喝含咖啡因的東西是week after easter,
ice-cap from tim horton,
太久以前了.
既然在減肥就不會一次塞一堆食物.
我個人認為我屬於無憂無慮型的,
除非大事出問題, 不然不會有壓力阿@@.
(especailly ever since i know stress can give me stomache ache,
I already learn to ignore it)
還沒有收到 interview, 不太可能 overly nervous... I think... I hope..
刪去法過後, 剩下的是"空腹過久"?
難道我這個人不吃宵夜不行??
宵夜 = 胖..
不然就是得七早八早起來吃早餐??
我...唉... 我不要七點起來阿~~
Right now i wanna learn sleep eating,
and only eat healthy food during sleep,
i can't taste anything anyways.
Also, this entry so doesn't belong to any of my categories.....
meaning this thing shouldn't even happen nor be recored down@@
or i should treat this with ease..
剛剛才從書房拿了 劉庸的 "尋找一個有苦難的天堂",
我現在要去尋找我那胃痛的天堂了.
"只有在充分的感受到胃痛的苦,
才能知道平常不痛的時候是多麼的幸福"
by Mark